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Top 10 Reasons to be an Episcopalian (from Robin Williams, an Episcopalian):
10. No snake handling.
9. You can believe in dinosaurs.
8 . Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them.
7. You don't have to check your brains at the door.
6. Pew aerobics.
5. Church year is color-coded.
4. Free wine on Sunday.
3. All of the pageantry - none of the guilt.
2. You don't have to know how to swim to get baptized.
And the Number One reason to be an Episcopalian:
1. No matter what you believe, there's bound to be at least
one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The old one is complete and sufficient by itself, and should not be changed according to the world's whims
Four. One to call the electrician, one to clear it with the vestry and two to talk about how much better candles were.
Five. One to screw in the new bulb and four to create an organization for the preservation of the old bulb.
A whole congregation. One to move that the bulb be changed while the other debate until the room spins.
What do you mean change? I'll have you know that my grandfather bought the light bulb and I'm not going to see anyone change it on some stupid whim. The problem today is that there's no respect for what our families have put into this church all these years.
How many Anglicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One celebrant to bless the new bulb.
Three acolytes to sit around and make faces.
One organist to write a hymn to praise the new bulb.
Fifteen choir singers to sing the above hymn.
One Junior Warden to remove the old bulb and replace it with the new bulb.
One assistant clergy to give a eulogy on the old bulb.
One hundred-member congregation to answer "We will" when the celebrant says "Will you who witness this do all in your power to support this new light?"
Five to ten people to form a new congregation using the old bulb.
No Excuse Sunday:
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our seating is too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching television until late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list all the hypocrites present. A prominent space will be alloted at the top of the card for the cardholder to write his own name down first on that list.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who can.
Hope to see you there!
Honk if you love Jesus:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I
bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed him.
I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat
what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or
something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Jewish Olympic Swimmer
The woodpecker might have to go
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their 6-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
I don't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Church bulletins:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:"Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, 'When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.' 'Well, thank you,' the pastor replied, 'but why?' 'Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.
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